Stifled...

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Pride...? Honour...? Ego...? Glory...? What...?

I was running a 10km endurance run on Friday when I discovered myself running damn slowly after the 5km mark. That's strange, because I'm not the least tired. I wasn't even panting, so why slow down? Well, I found out that I just want to slack. Then I told myself that, "Hey, you know you can finish this run like a breeze because you did it before, so why run fast?"

Then I remember that as an officer-to-be, I must always do my best in everything I do, but I wasn't even running at 50% of my usual speed. What's going on? I started to think about my life. It seems to me that I've never tried my best in anything I do. Not my studies, not my physical training, not in almost anything. Everytime people ask me questions like, "What's your best 2.4km run timing?", I don't seem to be able to answer because I've got my fastest timing, but that's definitely not my best timing. I don't know my best timing because I've never tried my best.

Next, I began to wonder why things are in this manner. I asked others why they put in their best. Some told me for pride and glory. Others want the honour of being first in everything they do. Pride? Glory? Honour? Is that all? Does that mean I don't possess those values? Maybe. Pride and glory don't mean much to me. They are just noble satisfaction, self-appeasing emotions, intangible rewards that people find valuable to possess. To me, they are just emotions that are rather useless. Can you survive on pride and honour? Can these emotions fill your stomach?

I'm not sure if I'm starting to seem like a jerk thinking this way, but I guess poverty really turned me into a rather cold and hard bastard. As long as it doesn't reap material reward, it ain't worth my time or me doing my best. I'm ready to do many things for money, less those things I find unacceptable. I even offered to serve weekend duty for a friend in exchange for money. No pride? Desperate? I don't know. Think what you like.

By the time I snapped outta my thoughts, I've already jogged for 3km. I don't mind doing a slow jog for the rest of the 2km, but subconsciously, I sped up. When I realise it, the run had ended. I wasn't the last few as I thought I would be. What made me speed up? My only logical explanation is my ego. My ego won't let me be the last few to return. I have a huge ego and it has every intention to burst outta me and tell everyone else how fast I can run. It also wants to tell my slack self that I can go beyond where I've been before. It's like 2 souls with conflicting values living in a body. It's me that wants to slack and it's me that wants to do better. It's an interesting war and here I am, watching it unfold in me, waiting for a winner. Does that make the 'me' sitting in front of the computer and typing away a third 'me'? Will I become a a person who tries his best to do everything well? Or will I become a slack bastard who will only do things for rewards like money? Only time will tell...

End...

Hanged @ 5:47 PM